well hello again

i’ve been missing for a while, haven’t i? let’s start with the obvious. i’m fine. i wasn’t and now i am. i didn’t have time to write when i was really dealing with getting better, feeling better, changing lifestyle and going from one Dr appointment to another. i must say, after all of that, i look fantastic…lol…i’ve had to change to follow as close to a basically a vegan keto diet as possible. i am not strict, because i enjoy life far too much to ever remove some things from my life (like feta cheese on Greek salad), so moderation is in play.  but wow, talk about health benefits. i’ve never felt better in my life. my skin is glowing. like GLOWING. young girls at check out counters comment on it, they flip when they hear my age…lol…

of course, there has been a massive regression with spouse. he was not and is not there to help me when i needed it. i did not expect him to be and so that really didn’t bother me other than twice when it was like he was actively trying to sabotage me. i was swamped with work, needed help, hadn’t eaten in like 36 hours, hadn’t even bought groceries, so there was nothing for me to actually eat in the house; i asked him to go pick up something specific (i asked for the Afgan salad (its a cabbage, parsley, onion, tomato mix with garlic sauce and a jalepeneo sauce ) at the place we get the chicken shwarmas) and he brought home the exact opposite of what i asked for, it was a Afghanistan chicken shwarma – absolutely delicious, but i haven’t eaten meat or bread in 6 months.  it was an impossible ‘mistake’ to have make when all he had to do is repeat what i said verbatim.

he just hasn’t noticed i have been vegan….for 6 months…. he did it for attention and to create drama and to prove he could control me by making me angry. and to punish me for working. and it worked. i was crying in frustration and he was self satisfied and smirking afterwards as he was walking away and that’s when i understood his little games all these years had nothing to do with ‘misunderstandings’ but purposeful actions. i was ‘hangry’  almost 2 days no food and i couldn’t leave my desk because of client emergencies and i was on the phone. i disconnected the call. i got in the car. i went to the strip mall. i ate. i sat there for an hour then came back. I lost a client, lost $1500. he looked nervous. he knew i was angry. but you know when you move past angry to ‘no fucks were given?’  i was there.

he has not touched me. we do not speak. we are in a quasi hostile environment. i am fine unless he pretends things are fine and then i flip. do not pretend things are normal and things are all happy because if you fake that shit in front of people, i will call you out now and he knows it. i’ve done it. and now he’s less likely to do it because i am done done. we went to a friends on new years. it was the first time everyone had seen me in 5 months. everyone kissed at the stroke of midnight, yet he made no attempt to even cross the room in my direction. why do i want him to kiss me on new years even in public when he hasn’t kissed me or hugged me in 2+ years? no thank you. no one even remarked or noticed. they are used to us being in a room, but not being ‘together’.

i’m lonely. and i was stupid. i met someone 2 weeks ago who i fell for quickly because it had been a million years since i had any interest in or wanted to like or be with a man. intense talking, sharing, opening up and exposing your life, soul and heart, reciprocation, connection and then silence. it made me realize 2 things: i’m vulnerable and that i need someone. three actually. it also made me realize that i trust too quickly. in spite of all the crap i’ve gone through i still believe in people. it makes me feel like an idiot. i’m not sure ‘how’ i’m going to vet someone new into my life or in what aspect. or even when. but i know it has to happen for me to be sane and to stay married.

i honestly have no idea how single people ‘date’. the rules of engagement are complex and not what they used to be now that we are accessing social media and swiping right and can get the rush of endorphins to see who wants us or is interested in us, in seconds. there are so many damaged people out there. all wondering why they can’t find anyone when they are the issue. it makes me sad.

someone like me is dying for a man who is sensual, sexual, demanding and physical.  a man who wants to devour me and include me in all aspects of his life.  have me on hand for every moment so that he can kiss the breathe from me, press me against a wall, or against my back, hold my hand, dance with me,  press me against his side and feel my softness melt into his hands, know I am his. HIS. completely, because i want to be. and will demand he spend every free moment of his sexual awareness thinking about ways i can or have pleased him and how it’s his life goal to make me incapable of standing unless helped or speaking when spoken to. and all i want is a man who wants me. it wells tears in my eyes with the need i have to be wanted physically and mentally.

men want my body all the time. but i need someone who will want ‘me’, my mind. without it, i can’t share myself with them, because it matters to me. what a conundrum, huh? a sensual, sexual woman, built to please and pleasure a man, who is regretfully best sexually satiated by a partner inside a monogamous relationship with emotional connections and can not engage in sexual activities with men simply for the sake of pleasure?

 

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vente venting

you are beneath me in every way and i feel nothing but contempt for you. this is not how a wife should feel towards a husband. day after day, you perform little ways to undermine me. you forget the things i’ve just asked you to do, while conveniently remembering the things which don’t impact me. funny how it’s always me who gets shafted. everything that you could do,  simple little things, that would cost you nothing, like leaving a light on, or moving a pot from a high shelf, you don’t do.

i have to ask for everything, then you question why i’m asking for it. and i have to justify it and ask again, then raise my voice, before you finally circle around it, become defensive, making me frustrated, so you win, or i have to do it myself and you become all angry and pissy that i asked you and now all of a sudden and for no apparent reason, i am angry. wow. you exhaust me. every day. mentally you just, exhaust me. i wake up, wishing i hadn’t. by 10am i wish i could go to bed and just sleep the entire day. i dread the idea of you coming home. knowing you’ll arrive, smirk and ask in a childish sing song voice, how my day was, turning away as you say it, because you aren’t actually asking and you don’t really care, which is why you’ve never waited to hear the answer.

things like this morning make me realize just how petty and inconsiderate you are. it took me a while to shovel most of the driveway this morning, before one of the kids came out and finished,  after you cleared your car off and dumped all the snow between the cars and drove off. of course you didn’t get up early to shovel the driveway before you left. i asked you to start the snowblower for me and you wouldn’t. you had to get to work and didn’t have time and i was going to make you late.

“I” was going to make “YOU” late.

because i asked you to start a snowblower. because you left your phone at work yesterday, which has an alarm on it. and you didn’t set your clock alarm which i bought you as a back up. and i got up an hour early because of the snowstorm but you chose to stay in bed and i was going to be damned to do it myself and if you didn’t want to get out of bed, then fuck you, i worked instead. of course, i could have left the snow until you got home, but you knew i couldn’t as we had contractors coming and it had to be cleared before they got here. and you chose to leave it for me and you refused to even start the snowblower to make my life easier. because you are a childish asshole and why I feel nothing but contempt for you.

you’re one of those men who will never grow up and nothing is ever you’re fault and you’ll never take personal accountability for anything you ever do. you’ve been so damaged by your lack of maternal relationship that you can’t ever have anything real with any woman and one day you’ll die alone after disappointing anyone stupid enough to get involved without you after i’m gone. this marriage is lasting until after your bitch of a mother dies just so that hateful woman will go to her grave knowing i outlasted her. the only thing you’re good for is half the pension i’ll eventually get, once the kids move out and I can finally divorce you.

 

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sexual celibacy

my husband will not talk to me about our marriage or lack of sexual contact and so on every opportunity which avails me, i comment that i have nothing to say to him because he fails to communicate to me on topics which are important to me. i refuse to let the scab heal. and let me be absolutely clear. i am at a place where i where i was so hurt and angry that he undid the last few years of progress and threw everything back to where it was 10 years ago and made things infinitely worse.

this constant aggravation, keeping reminding him of his failures, the steady barrage of reminders of everything he does wrong, clearly is doing nothing to keep our relationship off his radar. it’s doing nothing to keep things neutral. it’s doing everything to inflame the situation and push things further towards ‘reasons’ why he shouldn’t do anything to try to fix anything anyway. i’m done being supportive and understanding when he fails me. done being accepting letting things slide when he makes conscious choices to hurt me. or letting it go so i can simply live my life under his radar because i had a lover on the side and i didn’t want him to notice me anyway.

i’m alone. i’ve been alone for a long time. because i’ve been trying to work on this stupid marriage i’ve had no lover which means i’ve had no physical, emotional or mental support system because i certainly don’t have any of those things with my husband. i never have. and that’s the issue. i’ve been. not we’ve been. he has no interest in working on this marriage. i’ve been on a last ditch, desperate attempt on trying to guide him and teach him; show him and explain to him on what i need. simple basic things. primarily communication and sexual contact. he is combative and argumentative. he is confrontational and worse he purposefully sabotages and that is what is unforgivable and pisses me off the most.

my husband is celibate. i share a bed with him. he is does not get erections in that bed or elsewhere that I have felt or seen, progressively lessening over a period of 10-15 years until the last 5 years where sexual contact has occurred after  perhaps 3 times a year and lasted seconds. He would touch me for perhaps 3-5 minutes to gain arousal for himself. i demanded he get cialis. he did. and refused to use it. then i demanded he use toys on me first and give me an orgasm before getting himself off, and so he stopped using me for those brief moments because apparently my demands, were simply just too much to continue with as he acts like he did me the great favour by complying when he did.

i refuse to fight about it anymore. you either like having sex with someone or you don’t. he clearly doesn’t. though he did use me occasionally to get himself off simply for convenience, i would assume. just like i let him because i was desperate for human touch. i know the exact dates we’ve had sex for years as i track it in an app. i had to as he was gas lighting me and i thought i was going crazy until i started writing about it and understood that the man had issues and it wasn’t ‘me’ it was ‘him’.  in 7 months, we had sex once, and that was 4 months ago. and to be honest? i’m pretty sure i’m done this time for good.

he’s made all the choices about the complete lack of sex in our relationship all these years and i guess my only choice is to actually say no on those rare rare occasions he wants the few seconds inside of my body. and that’s the decision i’ve made. to say no. for the first time in my life, i’m wearing a slip to bed to stay covered. i’m undressing in another room. the biggest change and the one i had not anticipated, is that mentally because of the last time he hurt me emotionally, i seemed to have completely shut down from him. it’s not an effort and i’m not working at it. it truly appears to be gone.

i’m not even sad it’s gone. there isn’t even regret it’s gone. it’s like waiting for dark to change to dawn and in a moment of distraction it happened and then it’s simply changed and different. the only thing that is not changed is that he does not see i have changed this time. he assumes things will go back as they always have. he doesn’t understand that there are some things that once you break you can never fix as they change the course of the entire relationship. that’s what he did the last time. and after 30 years, i’ve finally understood that it’s not reasonable to try and force sex onto anyone.

my husband has as much right to be happy with being celibate in a relationship as i do with having a sexual relationship. unfortunately, he won’t negotiate on the matter and we had kids together and that means i choose to stay married to him until those kids move out so i see as much of them as possible. because life is short and my relationship with my children means more than a sexual one with someone I will just be meeting. i truly and honestly require a stable and honest, loving, emotionally supportive and demanding sexual lover.

the only problem with that, is i have zero motivation or desire to put the work into finding one because in part, because of the last round of emotional spousal traumas, combined with medical issues and scares i had, i have become sexually withdrawn from myself for the first time in my life. i know it’s a defence mechanism. protecting myself from taking on more than i am able. i do not like feeling vulnerable or out of control. and i have cared for men who have hurt me. and so my body seems to have shut down in an effort to prevent it from potentially occurring again. Interesting if you think about it.

on a sidenote. i can’t imagine living without the color sexuality brings into your life. it adds flavour and inflection. brings cadence and gives texture to words. so much of how we write and interact with each other is because of sexual tension and acknowledgement and awareness of each other. without it, we are barren. neutral. boring and flavourless. we’re not even childlike which contains burst of energy and vibrant vitality. lack of sexual functioning in another wise healthy adult is sad.

 

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asexual spouse

i’ve not felt sexual attraction towards anyone in so long that it’s starting to become somewhat of a curiosity to me. to say it’s an anomaly, is an understatement, being the sexual creature that i a generally am. or was. but i truly didn’t care. and still continue to not care. isn’t that a horrific thing to say? to admit? i’ve stopped looking at men. stopped like an alcoholic stops going into pubs to eat lunch. i avoid them because they make me betray the inertia which is my marital life of celibacy. and i can not want what i do not have daily access to; a man who wants to touch me with passionate greed. i feel disassociated from my body in a way i’ve never been and while i can’t say i enjoy it, i also recognize it is serving a very real purpose right now.

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lost visual

with racing heart i wake up, nipples hard in anticipation, loins aching with the sweet familiar want of you, breath ragged. the image of golden sun back lighting, burnishing the gooseflesh of your olive toned skin, vividly imprinted on my mind, even though my eyes are opened to a still dark room and there is nothing to see but old memories. i was watching my fingers trace your muscled forearm. a soft spring of dark hair as i draw my fingers down the length of your arm, a light dusting on the curvature of your masculine and graceful form. beautiful. it is the singular word my mind could come up with to encapsulate the entirety of the world you take up inside of my visual space. i close my eyes against the bright light of a long lost afternoon, as a tear of longing falls down my cheek and into the riotous curls of hair spilling carelessly over bare shoulders and pillow, knowing that sleep will be a long time returning to me, as i remember every detail of that afternoon, so very long ago, effortlessly holding onto the memory as if it were gilded to match the perfection of your bronzed skin.

 

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free from childhood pain

hilarious. or sad. how about pathetic? i will not outwardly react to another attempt at her trying to hurt me. it’s not like it is a new thing. it’s simply earlier than usual by almost a month. i should have realized it was coming and prepared myself mentally. looking at the calendar, i now see she was triggered last week. and so she needed to lash out and hurt someone and i was (am) her favorite target. and she has no one else now. anyone who was her immediate family or acquaintance is gone from her life. that’s what happens when you isolate yourself. and she would never do anything to harm her relationship with ‘his’ children and grand kids. she has to keep up that pretense even if it kills her to do it.

my mother is damaged. her whole family is. i am. many have tried healing in their own ways. many have recovered as they could. some are broken and she is one of them. and all the venom in her life, she took out on me, she passed none on to my half brother, my step fathers son. we lived such diametrically opposite lives that it’s hard to comprehend we shared the same home. but the fractured relationship did not end once i left. she still could not move beyond her issues, even as life changed things. her instability grew as life altered because she needed rigidity.

as i grew stronger physically and mentally and she lost control, she became more unstable and more combative. she tried harder to hurt emotionally when she lost the ability to hurt physically. and as i severed ties, she changed tactics and became subversive. and at first, i fell for it. because i did not expect her to undermine me. i felt safer away from her and it made me relax my guard. i thought we had ‘moved beyond that’. no. damaged people who need to hurt others, do not change. they just wait you out and create new ways to attack you when you are weak or forget to protect yourself from them. brutal people, the damaged. anyway.

i’m not even upset. not beyond the initial shock of her trying to purposefully upset me. and then i let it go. because she is sad. sadly pathetic. and after all this? i feel sorry for her. in an absent, i really don’t care about her, kind of way. she is finally and truly part of a past i was strong enough to let go of. there are so many things i have which cause issue in my life and thankfully, she is not able to give me the kind of pain she hoped for, any longer. it’s over. and knowing that brought me the kind of quiet and peaceful joy i am positive she never intended.

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the one

there is no such thing as ‘the one’. people who say they are looking for ‘the one’ are delusional. they have romanticized life and relationships. they are living in a juvenile fantasy world which does not exist and is impossible to achieve. they have become stuck in a level of their psyche which prevents them from growing and realizing their true potential and it will create future relationship problems as partner after partner, fails to meet their idealized set of un-achievable expectations. this opinion is simply a polite, albeit blunt and educated way of saying,  people who say they are looking for ‘the one’ are fucking idiots.

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unwanted again

he’s angry. all the time. it has been 2 months of anger on both sides and something has to stop. i have to stop. if i try to say anything about the fact that it’s been months since the last time he touched me, he blows UP like a puffer fish in a voracious spewing of denial and immediately tries attacking me on everything and anything to to get me off topic and fighting about anything, something, else, besides sex or the lack thereof. the more i was spewing the thoughts around in my head the angrier i was getting until the second one of the most insane thoughts came to me, that instantly made sense.

if someone kept forcing me to engage in a sexual act that i was not into, that i found not just unappealing but slightly repellent, then i would be responding in the exact same manner that he was to me, in that moment. you see, i know it sounds impossible, but i DO forget that he doesn’t want me, by virtue of the fact that he married me, he had kids with me and he shares a bed with me. he wants the appearance of a nuclear family, as long as privately, he does not have to have sexual contact with me.

i am the one who keeps trying to force him to be someone sexually he is not. because the reality is, he DOES use me for sexual gratification and I have let him to keep the peace as it was faster and easier than saying no when it takes seconds. when he gets horny and can’t take abstinence anymore, when he gets finally an erection. because of his medical issues, that means every 3-4 months, maybe. maybe. he spends minutes perhaps, in foreplay, enough to get him excited enough to enter me and then seconds to ejaculate. Not exactly worth saying no to, but does nothing for me physically.

i started making him use a toy on my to make me orgasm before he was allowed to cum inside of me. it worked for a while. until it didn’t. because of his lack of interest in sex. and getting off himself was not worth the effort of getting me off first. the last time he made an effort was 5 months ago. but i’ve serviced him. i jerked him off knowing sex wouldn’t be good anyway as it had been so long and hoping he was going to ‘put out’ on our anniversary. instead he invited our kids out to join us and hadn’t planned anything. it was our 25th. clearly that created a massive fight because my feels were brutally damaged.

and i can’t be angry with him. not now. i know him. ‘this?’ this is my fault. i’ve known for a very long time that he had no attraction to me and i stayed married because of kids. finances. and i loved him. i wanted him to love me too. i wanted him to want me the way i wanted him. and he doesn’t. and so i settled for a good man who loved his kids and did his best and wasn’t an asshole, wasn’t abusive, wasn’t an addict. i know i use ‘this’ space to vent and often mix stories with reality. but my husband isn’t a bad man. he’s just not sexual with me unless it’s absolutely necessary and then seems to resent it or regret it when it happens.

his attitude, has damaged me and hurt me in ways that i find impossible to explain. it’s de-valued me. it’s made me less than. it’s made me feel diminished. it’s taken away my joy and confidence. it’s removed happiness and pleasure. it’s made me feel isolated. it’s made me feel vulnerable. it’s opened me up to predatory behaviour by callous men. it’s made me angry that i have to place myself around callous men in the hopes of eventually finding a normal, sane, sensual one with whom i can start a normal and healthy sexual relationship with again. it’s made me struggle to not be jaded when every single thing pushes me towards being that way.

Posted in Affair, marriage, Relationships | 5 Comments

my sons pain

you are the child who was easy for me until the rough teen years kicked in

you brought me joy in motherhood and i loved you fiercely because of it

your recent pain and struggle has been so hard for me to watch you endure

your decision to serve your country, to pay tribute to your fallen friend

by taking up his career path as your own, fills me with both fear and pride

you have done more in your short life than many have done in a lifetime

 

you don’t do anything in small measure, you go all in and take big risks

stay safe my precious child and walk with God at your side always

your brothers in arms should have back and whenever you feel abandoned or lost

that is when you can call to me, because I will always be there

 

 

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alive but detached

I am alive and dealing with those pesky health issues I alluded to. I’ve never been as closed off to expressing how I feel. Much like childbirth, there is a time when you withdraw into yourself, as you fight a battle no one else can help you with. I’ve shut down, closed off and acknowledge that something has broken, perhaps irrevocably. It’s like being detached from yourself and unable to accept attachments. Not wanting them. Not even caring you don’t care. On one hand I have emotions which are running high and yet I am remarkably and truly, numb.

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