i’ve been missing for a while, haven’t i? let’s start with the obvious. i’m fine. i wasn’t and now i am. i didn’t have time to write when i was really dealing with getting better, feeling better, changing lifestyle and going from one Dr appointment to another. i must say, after all of that, i look fantastic…lol…i’ve had to change to follow as close to a basically a vegan keto diet as possible. i am not strict, because i enjoy life far too much to ever remove some things from my life (like feta cheese on Greek salad), so moderation is in play. but wow, talk about health benefits. i’ve never felt better in my life. my skin is glowing. like GLOWING. young girls at check out counters comment on it, they flip when they hear my age…lol…
of course, there has been a massive regression with spouse. he was not and is not there to help me when i needed it. i did not expect him to be and so that really didn’t bother me other than twice when it was like he was actively trying to sabotage me. i was swamped with work, needed help, hadn’t eaten in like 36 hours, hadn’t even bought groceries, so there was nothing for me to actually eat in the house; i asked him to go pick up something specific (i asked for the Afgan salad (its a cabbage, parsley, onion, tomato mix with garlic sauce and a jalepeneo sauce ) at the place we get the chicken shwarmas) and he brought home the exact opposite of what i asked for, it was a Afghanistan chicken shwarma – absolutely delicious, but i haven’t eaten meat or bread in 6 months. it was an impossible ‘mistake’ to have make when all he had to do is repeat what i said verbatim.
he just hasn’t noticed i have been vegan….for 6 months…. he did it for attention and to create drama and to prove he could control me by making me angry. and to punish me for working. and it worked. i was crying in frustration and he was self satisfied and smirking afterwards as he was walking away and that’s when i understood his little games all these years had nothing to do with ‘misunderstandings’ but purposeful actions. i was ‘hangry’ almost 2 days no food and i couldn’t leave my desk because of client emergencies and i was on the phone. i disconnected the call. i got in the car. i went to the strip mall. i ate. i sat there for an hour then came back. I lost a client, lost $1500. he looked nervous. he knew i was angry. but you know when you move past angry to ‘no fucks were given?’ i was there.
he has not touched me. we do not speak. we are in a quasi hostile environment. i am fine unless he pretends things are fine and then i flip. do not pretend things are normal and things are all happy because if you fake that shit in front of people, i will call you out now and he knows it. i’ve done it. and now he’s less likely to do it because i am done done. we went to a friends on new years. it was the first time everyone had seen me in 5 months. everyone kissed at the stroke of midnight, yet he made no attempt to even cross the room in my direction. why do i want him to kiss me on new years even in public when he hasn’t kissed me or hugged me in 2+ years? no thank you. no one even remarked or noticed. they are used to us being in a room, but not being ‘together’.
i’m lonely. and i was stupid. i met someone 2 weeks ago who i fell for quickly because it had been a million years since i had any interest in or wanted to like or be with a man. intense talking, sharing, opening up and exposing your life, soul and heart, reciprocation, connection and then silence. it made me realize 2 things: i’m vulnerable and that i need someone. three actually. it also made me realize that i trust too quickly. in spite of all the crap i’ve gone through i still believe in people. it makes me feel like an idiot. i’m not sure ‘how’ i’m going to vet someone new into my life or in what aspect. or even when. but i know it has to happen for me to be sane and to stay married.
i honestly have no idea how single people ‘date’. the rules of engagement are complex and not what they used to be now that we are accessing social media and swiping right and can get the rush of endorphins to see who wants us or is interested in us, in seconds. there are so many damaged people out there. all wondering why they can’t find anyone when they are the issue. it makes me sad.
someone like me is dying for a man who is sensual, sexual, demanding and physical. a man who wants to devour me and include me in all aspects of his life. have me on hand for every moment so that he can kiss the breathe from me, press me against a wall, or against my back, hold my hand, dance with me, press me against his side and feel my softness melt into his hands, know I am his. HIS. completely, because i want to be. and will demand he spend every free moment of his sexual awareness thinking about ways i can or have pleased him and how it’s his life goal to make me incapable of standing unless helped or speaking when spoken to. and all i want is a man who wants me. it wells tears in my eyes with the need i have to be wanted physically and mentally.
men want my body all the time. but i need someone who will want ‘me’, my mind. without it, i can’t share myself with them, because it matters to me. what a conundrum, huh? a sensual, sexual woman, built to please and pleasure a man, who is regretfully best sexually satiated by a partner inside a monogamous relationship with emotional connections and can not engage in sexual activities with men simply for the sake of pleasure?