You texted me a lie. Don’t say you love me when you clearly show me every day that you don’t. You are unable to have a normal sexual relationship with me. This has been an issue for 24 years. You stopped having sex with me because you are not attracted to me, you don’t love me as a woman, and you checked out a long time ago. You refused to seek help, talk about it or get therapy for your issues and you refused to have a sexual, mental or emotional relationship with the women you claim to “love.” That’s not how love actually works.
Normal, healthy Men who are attracted to a woman, will not refuse sex on a regular basis. You claim over the years you’ve had blood work done to check testosterone levels after I’ve demanded you do so, which you said came back as normal, but you refuse to show me proof. Assuming it’s true and there is no hormone issue with you, a normal man who is attracted to a woman who wants him and wants sex from him, will probably want to have sex at least once a week. You don’t. Clearly it varies and there are contributors to frequency but over a 30 year period of time, there is enough information to provide an average. That means there is a psychological issue with you. Because you are not attracted to me and because I pushed for semi-regular sex from you, your only recourse was to come up with a myriad of ridiculous excuses to avoid sex. I have heard them all when I was still trying. Clearly, that was years ago.
You avoided going to a doctor, or going to marriage counselling, because you know that any test given to you would come out normal. You stopped wanting me. Maybe you found someone else by now or have had various partners over the years. You clearly had issues with my pregnant, nursing and post child body. My reality is proven by years of little to no sex, and is proof that you are not attracted to me as you fiercely refused to have sex with me on a consistent basis. I can’t negotiate your attraction to me because I can not change the fact that I once carried children inside my body. You will never be attracted to me again in a sexual way which brings me satisfaction because you can’t even force yourself to fake it or put in the weakest of efforts. Your body does not respond. Your brain does not respond. There are no words you can say that can change the past and physical proof of your disinterest.
There is nothing that you can say, that will ever change my mind about how I feel that you have stopped loving me. You stopped. I can’t pinpoint a moment as it was a series of events leading to the realization that you haven’t loved me in a long time. You sit back and do nothing, pretending that nothing is wrong between us even when I tell you what the issues are and what I need you to do to fix them, while knowing I am upset with you and the situation you created. You feel me rock myself to sleep on the far side of a bed, you see me flinch if you accidentally touch me, you see me cry when I see a normal loving exchange between couples or a romantic scene comes on TV and you do nothing.
You walk away from seeing me struggle and you do nothing to make my life easier. You do the barest thing possible to get by. You act like more like a spoiled, petulant and ill mannered child than a life partner. You stand and watch your sons help make dinner, or put groceries away or clean off a counter, or clean the house and you do nothing. If I ask you to take a plate with the remnants of my meal on it to the kitchen because I am in the middle of working, that’s what you do. Walk it 4 feet from me and put it on the counter over the dishwasher and beside the compost and don’t bother scraping it or putting it away. You leave it for me to deal with because you can’t be kind.
If you cared about me or loved me the way a man loves a woman he has sexual interest in, then the normal reaction would be to try anything to engage me, talk to me, hold me or make me smile and bring me joy as long; just do anything to resolve things as long as it’s something reasonable. Having sex with your spouse is reasonable. Expecting intimacy from them, is reasonable. Going away after never travelling together and sleeping in separate beds is not reasonable. Placing pillows between us when we had to share a smaller bed so I don’t touch you, is not reasonable. You save the best of who you are for everyone else. You can chat to strangers you sit beside at sporting events but you can’t even make small talk with me. Hours spent in silence sitting beside you makes me resent being in a vehicle with you or when you use me as a plus one for the event you want to go to when you are purposefully late for things I want to go to.
Expecting regular sex is a reasonable for healthy adults in a relationship and yet you made it seem like you were doing me a favour or taking on an unwanted chore. I was with you for 5 years and before I was pregnant, everything was normal between us. Our sex life and compatibility was perfect. You were the person I wanted to have sex with for the rest of my life. I was highly attracted to you. Sex and affection are basic human needs and it’s crazy to think that living in the celibate marriage you have changed this relationship into, is adequate or is wanted. I’ve been extremely vocal about my needs and yet you still refused. You choose to reject me on purpose because you know it hurts me as I’ve told you it does. And you keep doing it. So for me, the last time was the last time. I can’t imagine a time I’d ever allow you inside my body again, knowing how much you hurt me when I am vulnerable.
It is common knowledge that long-term rejection hurts, and I have repeatedly brought this up to you and yet you do nothing to change. My needs don’t matter and never have. For years you punished my desire for sex from you by using me to get yourself off as quickly as possible, to ensure I got no pleasure from it. No foreplay. No after play, No gentle caressing. No intimacy. No connection. No celebrations of anniversaries or birthdays or valentines day. People who actually love each other are not okay with hurting each other. Even if you had a physical issue preventing penetration, there would still be all the other intimacy and connection options which are possible to maintain a pair bond. But instead you reject me. Every time. For years. On purpose because I tell you it hurts me and so when you do it the next time, it is a willful choice to hurt me. You may have occasionally spent a few seconds or minutes fucking me many years ago, but it’s been 19 years since you made love to me and showed me you had feelings for me.
So, if you really had cared about me, then you would have at least tried to make things work in our sexual relationship and work things out between us. You don’t love me anymore and haven’t in a very long time. So don’t send a text message knowing one of your kids are going to see it as they are helping me with a phone issue or don’t say you love me in a sarcastic sing song childish voice when one of your kids will hear it, as you are doing it for their benefit to try and make yourself seem like you are not the issue or problem and not because you feel it or because you mean it. Those sad displays are just a show for your benefit and nothing else. So stop it. It means nothing. You are only with me because of the lifestyle that staying married gives you. The convenience of sharing space with the family you wanted and I gave you, even though it meant destroying the marriage because it meant you stopped being attracted to me, is all you are interested in.
You don’t love me and haven’t been attracted to me for years; you have totally and completely mentally checked out of the marriage YEARS ago. We are barely civil roommates mostly because of the resentment I harbour at your hurting me all the time by rejecting me. Unlike you, I can’t pretend that a celibate and hostile marriage is what I signed up for, as it isn’t. This is not what love is. We don’t have anything to work out and I’ve stopped asking as there is nothing worth saving and I would refuse to do any work at this point, as so many years have passed with inaction on your part. You threw away someone who actually loved you, who wanted you so very much for such a long time, who gave you chance after chance to step up and fulfil your role as a husband.
So many other men envied what you had and were angered by your obliviousness to the careless way you treated me. They couldn’t understand how you could not see the comparisons between me and other women and not treasure what you had or at the very least appreciate it, even moderately. You just took me for granted, ignored me and hurt me by rejecting me as a woman. I allowed it only because I prioritized our children’s stability over my unmet needs. I thanked the other men for their kind words and for seeing what you didn’t. I refused their offers to step in and take care of me in ways you wouldn’t. I said nothing to you because you saw it all anyway, happening out in the open in front of you and didn’t care because you probably could not believe that other men would actually be attracted to me, since you weren’t. It just made them disrespect you as a man and wonder if you were gay because the consensus was that I was very attractive, desirable as well as being a good mother and wife in spite of his refusal to see it. It gave me validation that I wasn’t imagining things. And that I was still a viable woman, wanted by men sexually anyway.
Who you are, is someone I would never choose to be with now. You’re not a nice partner. You have too many sexual, health and psychological problems to work out with me, to ever make us compatible sexual partners again. I’d never trust anything you did after the damage you created from 24 years of rejection. Your constant and consistent refusal to speak to me or share your life with me, are deal breakers. Your refusal to celebrate lifes celebratory moments with me, are deal breakers. Your refusal to take care of me when I am vulnerable and incapable, is a deal breaker. Being a husband to me did not end once I got pregnant, yet I’ve been alone ever since, in every way. All I’ve had in our marriage is all the heartache and none of the joy. None of the pleasure and nothing but issues. Your legacy after 31 unhealthy years of not taking care of yourself, is one of underwhelming, premature disappointment and flaccid regrets.
You don’t even get my words anymore. They are here and you’ll never hear them or read them. One day when the kids are ready to leave and I go too, you’ll be surprised when I go at the same time because I am sure you believe that nothing is wrong and there are no issues.